My MEOW: October 2010

Thursday, October 7, 2010

My Balancing Act

As many of you already know, my mother has been seriously ill for the past two months. In that time, I have been trying to balance my obligations at school and the emotional instability of my family, due to my mother’s failing health, at home.

I feel too young. I feel too inexperienced. I feel too vulnerable.

Regardless of my feelings, I get up each day without excuses. I don’t know if it’s healthy to dive into school the way I have in the face of stress and gloom but I feel better when I’m home. Scratch that! I don’t feel anything when I’m in our home...... I’m just studying.

I put on my happy face (most of the time) and I get the school days done. Many of the people work with on a daily basis have no idea what I’ve been dealing with in our home life for the last 1 month. Part of me is proud of that. I’ve been able to maintain professionalism and get everything done without arousing suspicion. While the other part of me feels weird about keeping up appearances. Am I a robot… turning my emotions off and on like this? Am I damaging myself? Am I being untrue?

I do have moments when I just break down either in my mom's office or in the admin office, but they understand. They are extremely supportive and I love them for that.

I just have to continue putting on the smile for my classmates, Friends, the faculty and anyone else who wanders on to campus. My balancing act is getting harder and harder the sicker my mother becomes. I just don’t know how long I am going to be able to keep all the balls in the air.

I think losing my mind is my second biggest worry…hahaha...... emote na sad ko.